Work — Bring it Home
INTRODUCTION
Viewing the family structure as a corporate organisation structure can often lead to interesting and positive domestic outcomes. I have explored this in three stages —
- New to firm (aka relation by romantic or matrimonial alliance)
- Existing to firm (aka related by blood or recipient of new relations)
- Exiting the firm (aka departure due to nuptials, divorce or death or temporary sabbatical)
Family structure
Regardless of size of family, there is an implicit hierarchy and people automatically play certain roles due to natural tendencies or a necessity. Think about it…you must have someone who “runs” your household — aka COO. That individual will secure sign off from the perceived head of the household, aka CEO for major decisions and organises everyone’s lives. Then you have those you run to when you need to figure out how your phone or laptop works, there’s your CIO and the those who control the purse strings and ensure your domestic net wealth is sustained (agreed, more through unpopular cost control than anything else!) is your much feared CFO. These roles are gender, age, educational qualification agnostic. Leadership qualities or a technical bend of mind or commercial acumen has no prerequisite of any formal literacy. There is no swearing in ceremony or promotion announcements — you just happen to be executing the responsibilities and find the behaviour of those around you, reinforce the role you have assumed through their reactions or expectations.
These roles are paramount in building a happy and successful family, much like a corporation.
So specifically, which skills from work should we apply at home?
New to firm (aka relation by romantic or matrimonial alliance)
The spotlight is on you and you are on probation, until the power players (some obvious, like mother dearest of your partner; some more subtle), deem you to be a suitable fit. Performance when it matters needs to be your mantra. Every touch point will be analysed and dissected
1. Networking
This is a skill form often underestimated but it has the potential to provide the richest dividend. Ability to find common ground to connect, to identify the needs of the new connects and offer something which furthers their goals, helps you establish yourself by making you memorable and sought after (see my other article Demystifying Networking for handy tips and approaches). Just as at work, remember names of people you are being introduced, find out their remit, have your “elevator pitch” ready — use your fact finding skills to to elicit their elevator pitches and position your conversations to be of relevance to them. Think of how this conversation and knowing you can be of value to them (can range from blatant ego massage, source of inspirations and ideas, providing access to information or people which is of perceived value to them). Ideally get them to occupy more airtime than yourself (everyone loves the sound of their voice!), which means you need to savvy with your questions. The quickest way to convey interest is to ask questions. Your registered (genuine) interest in them will go a long way. If you think about it, this is the basis of any new friendship!
2. Active listening (and listening to what is NOT being said)
Many say a lot and yet nothing is revealed. Sometimes what is not being said is as, if not more, important than what is being said. Ability to read the room and having that emotional intelligence is key across any boardroom or family dining table. Like any other problem solving technique that we apply at work, establish what is driving or motivating individuals’ stances. Recognise that resistance comes from a place of fear. So uncover what are they fearful of and address that. You will need to be alert to spot the triggers to alter tact in the middle of your conversation or activity. You may not get a pat on the back for doing it, but you certainly will avoid being blackballed by the new club members!
3. Finding a mentor (the Subject Matter Expert with benevolence)
To support our growth at work (be it domain knowledge, career growth, new skills), we often seek mentors and buddies. They are a safe sounding board and impart practical guidance to successfully navigate the matter you are concerned about. Have you considered seeking a mentor to teach you the ropes of this familial organisation? Especially as here, you have no new joiner induction sessions or reading material to help you come up the learning curve. In the family context, this person cannot be a youngest in the family, who is yet to appreciate the nuances of navigating people. Aside from that, anyone can qualify for the role — seek support from your partner to identify the right mentor or use your observations to identify who could help you most. You can have a composite set up; different mentors for different matters and times in your life in the new family. A mentor is different from a sponsor, so this relationship is best not bragged about. Discretion is key. Your mentor may have the stature and influence in the family set up to be a sponsor, who will advocate for you, but that is a much later development. You have to earn your sponsorship!
Existing to firm (aka related by blood or recipient of new relations)
You may be a veteran in the family or soon to relinquish your newbie status in the family, by the entrant of a “new joiner”. Or there has been a management restructure (or cabinet reshuffle!), which alters the equations or brings new matters to deal with. Thriving (let’s be ambitious and go beyond just surviving) in a changing environment is a key skill that most working individuals need. It is no different at home — becoming parents or in laws, children going from energetic toddlers to worldly 6 year olds to eco-minded teenagers, spouses reaching milestone ages and being anxious or completely carefree of consequences, life changing health concerns of loved ones, new relations forming, old relations breaking, loss of love and fortunes. So how does the workplace equip you for this at home, you ask?
1. Recognising the Change Curve
Regardless of whether you know the term or not, you will definitely recognise the philosophy associated with it. Change disrupts the current state, it challenges status quo and if you are not the trigger for it, you go through a series of emotions. The speed at which you travel through this varies — no one’s journey is standard. First comes the denial, then fear (or anger), followed by acceptance and then commitment (to the new change). Now imagine, if as a family you talked of this philosophy and made allowances for each member to go through their personal change curve and supported their journeys. Suddenly, the family is a much more evolved one. There will be a significantly greater amount of communication — communication which enables members to proceed to the next stage of the change curve. At the workplace, we make provision for this and are patient for our stakeholders to embrace the change through various mechanism — deploy some of those at home; do roadshow equivalent, have a working group or committee — talk about what is the change and why it is essential/ beneficial and ask for concerns to be voiced. Perhaps a more private 1:1 session as a follow up. If legitimate concerns or gaps are highlighted, accept and acknowledge it and create a revised plan, thus cementing the fact that you value their contributions and the message ‘we are in it together’. When stakeholders (family members) have a viable avenue to participate (especially speak) in the process of change, it allows for a more organic and successful adoption of the change coming their way. Ultimately, your plans remain just plans unless they are lived and the outcomes of those planned activities lead to the expected benefits.
2. Stakeholder analysis and management
Regardless of which industry you are part of, or node of the organisation hierarchy you occupy, you have stakeholders. How do you deal with them? They do not have the same temperament, motivation, capability, awareness — very much like the family members we have! At work, you analyse, you create stakeholder maps. You strategise (not in a calculated, conniving way!). You research and establish their positions on a matter, and where you need them to be at, to enable your outcomes (which hopefully will be for the greater good for most!). You don’t need everyone to be an advocate, neutral position might be good enough for someone who was previously a blocker. You determine if they are swayed by data and statistics or by conceptual vision or by endorsement of someone they consider credible. You determine if they should be spoken to offline, on a 1:1 basis or in a group setting. Do we invest such thought processes when we engage with family members? Why not? Surely the stakes are higher at home, in your personal life than work (bringing or leaving partners, career changes, financial planning, holiday plans (!), offspring related… ). The decisions you make in your personal life are more significant and meaningful undertakings than those driven by corporate strategy or regulatory policy. Start applying this thinking pattern at home, thus, enabling you to be successful by design!
3. Conflict resolution
Conflict in the workplace takes shape in many guises — full blown confrontations, passive aggressive stances, exclusions, backstabbing, denial of approvals/ funds, working to rule pedantically (for readers new to their working lives, sorry to shatter your bubbles — the workplace is a jungle (with certain decorum), which you will master to navigate skillfully as times goes by!) So, how do you respond to such conflict at the workplace? Ignoring or avoiding conflict will not yield any results which are good for you or the organisation. We acquire skills at work organically to resolve conflict in a professional manner — no one slams doors or shouts in the office (maybe it would be less expensive and protracted if we did do that!). We seek to investigate the root of the disagreement — what specifically is causing the angst. Without fact finding, you cannot resolve. We express a desire upfront with whom we appear to have an opposing stance on a matter, that we want to resolve and have a mutually acceptable outcome (sometimes, we cannot achieve mutually beneficial outcomes). We brainstorm, we workshop, we analyse, we make proposals, we place options and consequences of each option. We document conversation in the form of minutes to ensure there is common understanding, we involve others to facilitate (or referee!). When we have exhausted all of this, we escalate — we involve our seniors. We take care, not to broadcast or publicise the existence of conflict, so that others do not play arbitrage or bring in unnecessary distraction. How often, are you deploying these skills and approaches at home? It is very important that when there is discord at home, to remind all members that you are on the same side of the fence and ultimately want the best outcome for the family institution — which sometimes requires dispassionate decision making once the options are laid out in a prosaic manner. That declaration of intent will pave the way for you to employ the skills you have already acquired at work.
4. Crisis or escalation management
There is always a fire to put out at the office — escalations become the regular fodder of sustenance at the office. Perceived or real, it does require a certain ability to distill the facts from the hype. Every household and family has moments of crisis or escalation — financial, reputational, existential. The skills to navigate and successfully emerge out these crises are identical for home and the workplace. One needs to be able to distill facts from the hype, relying on first hand information, making the right judgement call between speed and accuracy. Calm and collected demeanour, with a clear head to make decisions. Providing leadership in the chaos (real or symbolic) and vacuum, by providing direction on next steps. Identifying the “path to green” and communicating it strongly, clearly and consistently to all imparted parties and stakeholders. Be it a toddler choking on some food to a compromised online banking account to discovery of marital infidelity, the range is endless in a family set up; but the skills to cope and navigate are the same. It provides an opportunity to solidify your reputation as the natural leader and the one in the family with the broadest shoulders, who can weather the storms and steer the family through to safe passage.
Exiting the firm (aka departure due to nuptials, divorce or death or temporary sabbatical)
The ebb and flow of family life means that people also leave us as much as they join us — not all the reasons for exit are morbid. The nuptials of a daughter is an event of great joy for the family, but at the same token, they are also losing a member of the family firm. Depending on the role she played, that might be a significant gap in the organisation knowledge and hierarchy upon her departure. Similarly divorces can be as celebratory as heartbreaking. There can also be prolonged sabbatical — like a young adult leaving home in the pursuit of higher studies. Whilst death in family can never be celebratory, there may be a sense of relief, if death cuts short a loved one’s pain or discomfort.
How does work equip us to deal with this?
1. Knowledge Transfer
Every institution carries this risk — be it a corporation or a family, there is institutional knowledge residing exclusively in the grooves of the brains of an individual. Critical dependency on a key person! This is a significant operational risk and at work we actively mitigate this risk; firstly by identifying and acknowledging this risk and then by determining what actions will de-risk the matter, i.e. allowing the risk to be closed out. We record it, we track the resolution path and name and shame when risk closure deadlines are missed. Typical best practices include thorough documentation, cross training of individuals and making processes/ practices more intuitive. At home, this can transpire from silliness of parents making international calls to their children to get their home wifi password, how to make a traditional dish from your culture or something as serious as absence of a will by the unexpectedly deceased (which can complicate an already tough situation) or gentleman’s agreement on property holdings going back decades which the next generation renege on. At home, we need to actively identify such knowledge gaps and operational risk and start proactively closing them out by making provision to transfer that critical knowledge — to keep the show on the road!
2. Business Continuity Planning
This is a typical hygiene factor — in the unlikely event of a dramatic event, do we know the protocols to ensure the organisation continues to operate? Have we identified successors (or designated survivors, for those inclined to American political dramas!) or the process, which take over in such situations? Families who live in natural disaster prone areas (earthquakes, hurricane, floods) typically have practice drills and an emergency bag handy, which everyone knows where it is. Those who are better prepared always have a higher probability of success in whatever they endeavour. Same applies here — if you have a family business, do you know who will take over, in the event of an untimely incapacitation of the current figurehead — do you know what will be the process to make that decision, if a chosen successor is not pre-agreed? Do the surviving spouses know the financial matters ahead of being left bereft of their personal loss and at the same time grappling with new unplanned financial obligations? Or something as simple as do we have key contact details saved outside of our electronic devices, if they are rendered obsolete (power shortage, theft, hacking). Do we know our family members blood group or their “do not resuscitate” ethos? The topics may be morbid, but it is very healthy to discuss these matters and assess how ready everyone is — can we continue to operate as a fully functioning group of individuals, despite the unforeseen occurrence?
3. Not burning bridges
Regardless of how big an industry, it feels small — you meet the same people revolving through multiple organisations. It feels almost incestuous. The mantra at work, is not to burn bridges as you exit a department and move internally or leave an organisation and join another. How often are we applying the same mantra to when we decide to part ways from family? The very skills and emotional intelligence that allows you to exit gracefully at work can also assist you at home. Bitterness clouds judgement, eroding any potential residual goodwill one may bear towards the other; translating in obfuscation, obstruction and just being plain obtuse about things. This could range from an engagement being called off to marriage being dissolved or a division of family assets or pulling out of an investment with other family members. One never knows what the future holds and hence the smart choice is to have a route available to you to engage productively someday!
CONCLUSION
We often spend more hours at work than at home and with the advent of flexible working, the lines between home and work are blurring. All of this begs the question, why do we not bring the best of our professional capabilities beyond the confines of our workplaces (be in an operating theatre, to a hot kitchen, to a factory floor to a cockpit to a high rise office)? Work provides us with valuable life experience in dealing with people and is a rich laboratory where the applied sciences of good management and planning can be tested. Make your work count more at home and see your domestic harmony multiply!
